I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
