i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize