suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
