I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
