I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
