and i looked up. we had an audience...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
