what day is it and did you see me today?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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