Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
