is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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