Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
