I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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