You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize