So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
