I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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