While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
