a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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