He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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