I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
