...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
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