life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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