I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
