I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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