Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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