I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
