Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
