do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
