i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize