Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
