Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You pole danced in your parka.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
