The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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