I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
