i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
