I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
