The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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