I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
