i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
