She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
