So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I need water and some morals
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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