Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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