Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
