end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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