Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
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My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
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You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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