pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
