She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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