Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
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the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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