I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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