I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
