new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
