if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
