i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
