I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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