im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
