This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
