yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize