Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
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Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize