my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
