After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
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Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.