she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.