I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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