Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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