are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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