yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
